Paiggeerr

Guess Who…

I thought it was love 

Turns out it’s not,

We had some good times

But the bad times were a lot.

You made me feel special

I thought it was sweet,

Turns out it was just a tactic

To get me in between the sheets.

I’m done trying

I give up,

Go find some other girl

To screw up.

Because I can’t take it

It’s time for me to quit,

There is no way in hell

That ‘I love you’ is expressed with hits.

True you have never hit me

And you damn sure never will,

Because I’m peacing out

And climbing my way back uphill.

You’ve dragged me down enough

I’ve had it up to here,

You have broken my heart

And caused me so many tears.

I want a drink but that doesn’t solve anything

If anything it makes it worse,

So I’m giving you up

Because you are definitely a bad curse.

Time to get back to my old self

Time to get back on my grind,

No more hurrying to get money for you

So that you’re not in a bind.

I’m nobody’s sugar mama

I’m nobody’s punching bag,

You’re not using me anymore

For money or clothes you can sag.

So I’m gonna find someone for me

Someone that likes me for me, 

Without me always coming to see them

Or expecting money.

So goodbye friend

I’ll still call you that,

But no longer are you ‘girlfriend’

You two-faced rat!

Things I’m Thinking About Right Now

*My butt hurts

*I wanna smoke (Marlboro Skyline 100s of course)

*I need to finish packing (mainly underwear really)

*I need to try on all my outfits that are packed to make sure they look ok

*I need to switch my wallets (Michael Kors to Dooney & Bourke wristlet)

*I need to add the music to my ipod

*I need to put my ipod in my purse after adding the music so I don’t forget it

*I need to re-straighten my hair

*I need to remember to pack my phone charger (in my purse)

*I need to remember to pack my camera and camera charger (in my purse)

*I need to pack my allergy and cold medicine

*I need to pack deodorant and my perfume

*I need to pack my shoes

*I need to clean up downstairs

*Apologize to my roommate, when she’s leaving for school, if I was being too loud 

*Work on homework (if possible) before I leave

*Don’t type out a long journal entry (maybe just a short one hehe)

*DON’T email or facebook message Lexi telling her how I’m “feeling” (Ada knows what I mean lol)

*Stop writing out this long ass to-do list and get shit done!

Cricket (Confusion Yet STILL Love)

I am constantly confused as of recently. I mean if I think about the way she makes me feel or the way she talks to me and comforts me, then there’s no doubt in my mind why I love her and why I want to be with her so bad. However, when I think of my “usual type”, that’s when my confusion kicks in. My normal type: long hair, pretty white girl (well usually white although I’m NOT prejudice at all), femme, big boobs, beautiful teeth (at least straight and white), same academic level as me (pretty much as long as they’re in college). That’s basically how my type WAS anyway. How SHE is: buzz cut hair, attractive but in a boyish way (not girly at all), technically a white girl but acts and talks and thinks she’s a black man, stud, boobs aren’t even thought about or seen, ok looking teeth (not white but at least straight), and no formal education past 8th grade… Now if I happened to meet someone else with these same characteristics, I still wouldn’t find them attractive or want them. Just to be clear though, THIS IS NOT MY “TYPE”. SHE, however, is an exception and very special to me. When I look at what used to attract me and what currently attracts me, I get confused again because I can’t quite understand what made me decide to approach this girl from the beginning. Especially after she told me certain things about herself that would’ve had me running (more like sprinting) in the opposite direction, had she been a guy. Yet I looked past those faults, I guess you could say, and still pursued her. Again, not something I normally do. Majority of the time, girls come to me. I don’t go to them. Something about this girl has me behaving completely different than I use to and I can’t figure out why. I am willing to jump through hoops, go to hell and back, and even ruin my own financial situation (not saying that’s good at all), just to make her happy and help her out. Never in a million years, if someone would’ve told me even half of what I would do for her, would I have believed them; I most likely would’ve laughed in their face and called them crazy for even thinking that. Now I have come to question myself entirely. Who am I? What do I want? Do I want to be with her forever? When answering these questions, I have to think. Who am I? I am a strong, college-educated young lady just trying to do what I can to make it in this world. What do I want? I want a stable career, good grades for future semesters to come, and ,what some could perceive as pathetic for being my most important desire, HER. Do I want to be with her forever? Obviously I can’t predict the future and what might happen between us, but as of right now, yes I do want to be with her forever. She’s “the one” for me and I’ve never had feelings this strong and this sure for anybody. The way I see it, when we get in a relationship, I get to keep my best friend and I get to gain a girlfriend/boyfriend (still tryna figure out what I would call her). So while I am utterly confused as to why I feel the way I feel towards someone completely opposite my “normal type”, I am still very happy that I’ve found someone who loves me, whom I love as well, that lets me be myself (crazy, jealous, hyper, lovey, angry, etc.) and doesn’t hold my flaws against me. She’s my everything and I’m truly glad we found each other <3 .